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I have been on the path of self-discovery and improvement for more than half of my life. My journey started when my eyes were opened at the age of thirteen by a wonderful family counselor. Now, at the age of forty-one, I am so very grateful to have lived so much of my life with the knowledge that we can always improve our circumstances. Yet, there is a downside to the self improvement journey, and I have found myself dwelling there recently.
This downside is what I call the Self Improvement Trap and it is a mental and emotional place where you can become stuck and it will prevent you from moving forward in your journey.
How Do We Fall Into the Trap?
Over the past twenty-eight years I have read innumerable self-help books, management books, leadership books etc. Even more numerous are the tapes and CD’s on these topics that I have absorbed through repeated listening. I think I can recite Tony Robins Get the Edge from memory! Then there are all of the seminars and mastermind groups, not to mention the online communities and blogs. I have consumed an absolutely enormous amount of information and internalized it through repetition and practice.
As you can see from my blog, I am very committed to making my life the best it can be, and I’m equally committed to helping others do the same. This is not a hobby or a pass-time, this is my life. I believe in the Law of Attraction. I also believe fervently that desire is not enough and we must back up our intention with action. In my mind the Universe and God will respond to consistent and persistent action as well as thought.
Sounds perfectly logically, and probably conforms to everything you have heard and learned as well. So where’s the trap?
I have internalized untold numbers of steps, plans and techniques. Each teacher and speaker comes up with their seven steps, ten techniques etc. and they are all rattling around in my brain. As I listen, read and study, I become convinced that these steps and techniques are crucial to my progression. I believe that I MUST take certain actions or I won’t get where I want to go and I won’t be happy now etc.
And so I begin to fall into the trap and then SNAP!!! It has me firmly in its grip. I fill up my day and my mind with all of these things that I MUST do , think and believe. I am a very disciplined person, so I work very hard to to the things that I believe must be done. Unfortunately what happens, and has happened to me a few times in the past, the trap begins to hold me firmly in its grasp and I cease to make forward progress. Disillusionment sets in, followed by depression and, finally, I give up on my dreams again. In essence I chew off my own foot to be released from the trap and leave myself wounded, lame.
Most recently I became once again ensnared, but the great thing about being human is that we really do learn from our past mistakes and I think I have finally learned how to escape from the trap without hurting myself. First let me give you a glimpse of what my Self Improvement Trap Looked like from an activity standpoint:
Melissa’s Daily Schedule
5:30AM - rise, workout while incanting positive statements and affirmations.
6:30AM - eat breakfast while reviewing daily motivation/inspiration blogs and community posts
8:00AM - drive to work listening to motivational CD
8:30AM - arrive at work and take 5 minutes to cleanse space
9:00AM - write in gratitude journal ~5 minutes
10:00AM - write daily intention lesson ~ 5minutes
11:45AM - Visualization Exercise - 10 minutes
Noon - 5pm: Check in on blogs and communities in between work, listen to Blog Talk Radio etc.
5:00PM - drive home listening to motivational CD
6 -8PM - family time, dinner, bath etc.
9:00 PM - write in daily journal and future journal
9:15PM - Begin One Hour Holosync Meditation
Mind you that in between all of this I am working a full time job, writing this blog, raising money for local foodbank, being a wife and mother, daughter, sister and friend. Throw in the reading of motivational books here and there, the attendance at workshops, the coaching of others and it all becomes very overwhelming.
Certainly there are sacrifices and disciplines needed to achieve your dreams, but when you overload on the activities and the MUSTS, the joy starts to fall out of the journey and it is all to easy to give up on the path. Yet this time, I recognized the trap before I began to gnaw at my foot and I began the search for the key.
If you know anything about the Law of Attraction, you know that your thoughts and beliefs have enormous power. Nothing happens without them. By setting up this nearly impossible lists of tasks and having the belief that these items were MUSTS to my success, I was setting myself up for failure. When I would miss a task a negative thought burst would occur. ‘I haven’t visualized in three days, I’m not going to get my dreams.’ or ‘I gossipped negatively today about a co-worker, I am out of synch with the Divine and my goal is slipping way.’
The Key to the Trap is Found!
Then one night it dawned on me, the very act of believing that I HAD to do all of these things to succeed is what was holding me back from succeeding. I had so internalized the concept that my actions MUST accompany my intentions, that I had convinced myself that massive action (there’s a total Tony Robins phrase) had to be taken each and every day to achieve the change I desired.
What if it wasn’t the action at all that mattered? What if it was the state of being behind the action that mattered?
Huh?
Let me take you back to my Catholic school days. I remember the nuns teaching that good works alone were not the way into Heaven. It was the combination of faith and good works that got us into Heaven. It wasn’t enough to just feed the poor because it was the right thing to do. You had to feed the poor with joy in your heart!
Each nun took a path that brought her joy while serving the Lord. For many that was teaching, for others nursing and for still others the Missions brought them joy. If one were to teach without feeling joy in the act of teaching, it would have been an empty action. It would have been good works without faith and it would not get one into Heaven.
How To Use the Key
So we are not nuns, at least I’m sure that I am not, but we can apply this very important revelation to our lives daily, and get into our own Heaven in the process.
Stop everything and hit the reset button on your life. Take a day of rest and reflection.
As you reflect look at everything that you are doing with the intent of reaching your dreams. Which of those actions do you really enjoy doing? Which ones do you look forward to? Which actions really seem to resonate with you when you think about them?
Which actions are you taking because you were told to? What steps are you following because someone you really admired recommended them, but they feel a little off to you? Which actions feel very out of character to you, but you’ve been telling yourself that it is your ego getting in the way of your success, and trying to steal your dream, so you keep taking those actions?
As I mentioned in my post on the 5Best Sayings of All Time, I have had a revelation. Doing what you love is what brings you success and that means in all areas of your life. Even self improvement.
Keep in mind, as you listen to CD’s, read books and attend seminars, that you are learning techniques that CAN lead to the achievement of your dreams. Those techniques do not guarantee you anything. If you do not follow them, you can still achieve everything your heart desires. You can even invent your own techniques. It is more than okay to follow your own path to success!
Every teacher is providing you with choices, not hard fast rules. Including me. I have provided you with a myriad of choices in this blog and I encourage you to TRY the ones that interest you. Trying out new techniques is a great way to expand your horizons, but from now on, only stick with the ones you love.
This journey should be one that fills you with joy each and every day, and you can assure your daily happiness by doing what you love. In essence, you will be accompanying your good works with faith.
I love meditating, so that is staying. It is one of my favorite parts of the day.
Honestly, I don’t like writing the intention lessons. Feels to much like work and has a negative connotation dated back to the above referenced Catholic School days. I know it was my idea, and it may be working out great for you, but for me it’s out the window.
Visualizing during the day felt forced, and totally took me out of my day job zone, so that’s gone too. In its place is a period of visualization as I enter into my meditative state at night. I do like seeing myself on Oprah’s couch each day.
I love driving to work listening to my favorite teachers, but I much prefer to rock on the way home, so I’ve been cranking up the tunes and having a blast each night after work.
One of my favorite TV shows of all time is Babylon 5. It was a huge inspiration to me in so many ways, and I still take joy in re-watching episodes today. So instead of incanting my greatness while working out, as per Tony Robins’ instructions, I’m back to watching my DVD’s. I have to say, I was much more excited to get up at 5:30 this morning when I knew my favorite Sci-Fi characters were there waiting for me! Now as I exercise I feel joy and the time just flies. I bet I am having a much healthier and more productive workout as a result!
Gratitude journal has been replaced by grace before meals, just as I did in grammar school. Makes me feel like an innocent child again and brings back some good memories.
I’m Free!!!!
I feel like running a la Roger Daltry singing “I’m free” since I made this change. I feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted from me. I had been feeling a sense of unease and blockage for a very long time, and had been seeking the assistance of spiritual advisers to understand why my energies were blocked, and I was not moving forward. They each told me that I was my own blockage. It took me some time to understand what that meant, but now that I get it, I can feel the rivers of energy beginning to move through me again.
I will do what I love and I will be free!!!!
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Awesome post Melissa! Made me feel great as I read it. You forgot one small step in you daily routine, IMing with me all day:)! You truely are a great friend and inspiration.
Wow, looking at that schedule scared the hell out of me. I don’t think I could dedicated so much of myself to any discipline. Loved the post and even more I love your declaration of freedom. That’s why we do it all, isn’t it? Funny how I recorded a mediation exercise for my blog on Friday. Did the meditation myself and then devoted the entire day to reflection. It was well worth the rest.
Tom Volkar / Delightful Works last blog post..A Guided Meditation for Authentic Expression
@Patti, IMing with you is one thing I will never stop doing!!! You don’t know how much I look forward to hearing that little ping. It’s as if I get to work with one of my best friends
@Tom, yeah, I was really overdoing it
I believe this change in direction will lead to a much happier Melissa. I absolutely love your blog, by the way. Your tone is always so upbeat and positive. It is a bright spot in my Bloglines 
Melissas last blog post..The Self Improvement Trap and How to Get Free
Great article and a good reminder.
When we are wanting to makes changes in ourselves or our lives, it is so easy to fall into the thought process that we have to follow the guidelines of teachers, and other people we consider authorities, to the letter.
We too often forget our own intuitiveness that will show us what parts will benefit us the most and our creativity that allows us to modify techniques and methods to fit us make them our own.
As you stated, enthusiasm and joy in what we are doing are often forgotten, yet they are an essential ingredient.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Have a wonderful weekend.
Leas last blog post..More Murphy’s Law
Oh, wow, you’ve made so much sense. I’ve been caught in the trap myself and it’s time for my release. One of my dear friends gently berated me recently and said “you’ve done enough revelating—it’s time to get out and take action!” She’s right.
But then… writing in my journals at length and sharing my revelations IS one of the things that brings me joy (usually—sometimes it gives rise to fears, doubts, grief and other limiting beliefs that must be addressed first before arriving at the joy that comes with peace). So should I stop? I was about to, but now I think not. Instead, I should find a paying way to make writing about and sharing my revelations with others my life’s work rather than a hobby or self-improvement exercise.
You’re right. I don’t HAVE to do any of this. Nor must I continue with programs that aren’t working, or aren’t fun. I get so much inspiration from the horsemanship program I study that maybe I should focus more on it than on learning the basics of Quantum Physics (blech).
Have a fun weekend.
JBs last blog post..Word of the Year
oh my god, your daily practice list really took me back to a time in my life when i had imposed an equally strict regimen on myself. and i did not have the good sense to evaluate and assess and make better choices as you have done — i just threw the baby out with the bathwater and let my entire daily routine go all to hell. not recommended! after a period of chaos i did manage to get myself back on track, but i am now very leery of giving myself too many “musts”. i restarted the Course in Miracles this year, so i’ve got that and writing — in some form other than blogging — as my two daily gotta-dos. anything else is gravy.
thanks for the inspiration this morning!
jackie sheelers last blog post..israel 13, gaza 750 (and counting)
I learned that 10 years ago when my son Michael said to me: “you know mommy, you are always saying “I have to do this, or I have to do that”, you are the one making yourself “have to” no one else. So almost cold turkey I stopped “having to do this or that” and chose to do it instead. And if I didn’t choose to do it, the earth did not stop revolving, nor was I punished for the sin. I live a much happier and free life than I did before that wake up call. And rock on!!!! Music has always set me free!
Simply brilliant post. The way you describe falling into the trap and its consequences really rings true and has made me realise that to an extent it has been happening to me. Thank you for encouraging me to take a step back and to re-evaluate what is really important and what is not in my daily routine.
Ant Harpers last blog post..How to build a brand for your business
Can I just say, if I had a daily schedule like yours, I would get self-improvement burnout just on the first week.
I’m glad you’ve figured out a way out of that trap you got yourself into. And thanks for the warning. I suppose even in the path to self-improvement, everything should still be done in moderation.
Maudreys last blog post..The Bridal Veil: A Very Important Part of a Chinese Wedding
@Lea, it’s true that we do forget to listen to our own hearts. Clearly I had that problem! I will continue to listen to great teachers for ideas and inspiration, but I am only following the advice that is meaningful and feels right to me
@Jackie, I’ve done the throw it all out method too! Definitely not a good plan. I’m so proud that this time around I figured out what was going on and was able to change course. I guess I must actually be growing…who knew?
@Ant, thanks! I hope you find some balance as well. I’m off to checkout your blog!
@Maudrey, you see the moderation part is always something I have trouble with. Will continue to work on that in all areas
melissas last blog post..The Self Improvement Trap and How to Get Free
Melissa, believe me I’ve been in the same place at times. We can put such high expectations on ourselves that it becomes impossible to not get disappointed. I’m glad that you’re finding more balance between your desire to improve and living a normal life!
Maria | Never the Same River Twices last blog post..Traveling By Your Inner Compass: Make One Small Change
Melissa,
What a great post!
I think most of us ambitious people are a bit self-help-junkies!
Self-help education is very important as long as it’s to grow AND act. It’s important not to spend a life reading, attending seminars, listening to CD, but never take action to reach your goals!
Great post and I can see … it started a great conversation!
I liked your post so much that I will surely submit it to DIGG!
Great post and congratulations on your new found freedom.
I hope that your post reaches all that need to read it.
@Miss Gisele B. - thank you so much!
@Ribbon - So far I am enjoying my freedom!
melissas last blog post..A Second Chance at Life for the Passengers and Crew of US Airways Flight 1549
Melissa,
I love your posts and the realization that more is not better!.. I tell a story when I speak about my little girl who is always in the moment, doing what she loves or moving toward having a chance to do what she loves. She looks forward to the next thing, but mostly stays in the joy, the moment, the play.
As we know, we must ‘be like children’ yet we don’t know how.
I learn from my little girl to stop all the planning, looking forward and ’shoulds’ and enjoy the joy.
Blessings!
Michelle Vandepass last blog post..Don’t You LOVE Change? Hmmpf!
I am glad you understand how the “system” works. We have been conditioned to believe how and what we should be doing.
The task is to get out of that and own the system, which very few achieve.
toms last blog post..$30,000 wedding vs. $300 education course, and the benefits
Yes! What an insidious trap for well meaning folks to fall in to. But we all do it. Thanks for pointing out the valuable lesson that changing the environment will sometimes change the mindset as well.
“If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always gotten.”
Way to go, Melissa! G.
Grace Kleppins last blog post..Day 1 of going car-less
Absolutely brilliant!
I’ve been into Personal Development for over 15 years and I totally agree with what you’ve “discovered.”
Worth printing and re-reading… oh yeah!
Peace & Love
Mudd a.k.a. Happy Oza
xoxo
Oza Meilleurs last blog post..Bird Talk